The Bastard goes to the Trade Show
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<TITLE>BOFH</TITLE>
<META name="AUTHOR" content="Simon Travaglia">
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<p align=center><font size=6><strong>The Bastard Operator From Hell</strong></font><br>
<font size=4 color="#ECA4A4"><em><strong>The Bastard goes to the Trade Show</strong></em></font></p>
<hr noshade>
<p>I decide to kill some time by dropping into a Computer Trade show to "sense the new direction of
the market and Investigate emerging trends", i.e. I'll spend a shitload of the company's cash on food
and drink and give a couple of salespeople a hard time they won't forget.</p>
<p>Well, that's how the normal bastard would do it, but not me. I really get remembered. All I need
now is an acronym.... Hmmm...</p>
<p>I get there and two stalls promptly close when they see me coming, (poor losers), but theres 4 or 5
newbies that look like easy meat. I centre on a vendor that's trying to push their unix compliance
with every ISO standard except hygene and start talking 7-figure site upgrades. Ignoring his panting,
I continue to talk, harping on about our requirement for complance with currently emerging
standards till he takes the ball and runs with it.</p>
<p>"Ah well, you see, we're THE foremost company in compliant systems" (turd) "In fact, our
projected market share is.... blah blah blah.."</p>
<p>I let him dig his hole nice and deep. He's sure that 2 years at University has prepared him for the
hardball arena of BIG $ales.</p>
<p>"Yes" I cut in "But all this is irrelevant without a Dynamically Allocated Heap and some Transient
Intuitive Hardware System. Are you D.A.E.H.T.I.H.S compliant?"</p>
<p>"Sorry?"</p>
<p>"Dynamic Allocation of Extra Heap and the Transient Intuitive Hardware Standard,
D.A.E.H.T.I.H.S. It's THE most important thing to come out of ISO this DECADE! I guess you
don't have an implementation path yet then?"</p>
<p>"Tell you what" he says, smelling a deal "The Regional Manager is on the Showroom floor
somewhere. I'll track him down and get an answer for you?"</p>
<p>"Well, that would be great!" I say, trying to enthuse him and keep him from staring at the acronym
for too long. "But I'm a bit pressed for time, I've got a flight in..."</p>
<p>He runs off. The Regional Manager is no dummy. They're trained to recognise "SHITHEAD" spelt
backwards. And upside down. And reverse. And lipread.</p>
<p>One stall down, 4 to go. I troll up to the next..</p>
<p>"Hi there, what form of hardware solution are you looking for?" Mr Smiles says (In other words,
how can I tuck you for an extra grand)</p>
<p>"Well I don't really know. I need a fast and expandable machine that's top of the line but also
capable of talking to my old luggable laptop."</p>
<p>Mr Smiles likes the words "Fast", "Top of the Line" and "Expandable". He runs over to a machine
surrounded in glitter and advertising and gestures at it. "This is probably what you want then. The
latest thing. There's only two in the country and luckily we have one here today"</p>
<p>"Yes yes, but will it talk to my laptop?"</p>
<p>"THIS baby will talk to ANYTHING. What's the interface, ethernet?"</p>
<p>"No, a SCSI-1 Interface. My machine pretends to be a disk, ID 3. But lots of machines kill my
machine's powersupply with inductive transience backflow due to a non-standard SCSI interface...</p>
<p>>DUMMY MODE ONE<</p>
<p>He practically BEGS me to try the new machine out. Which I've been waiting for. I drag out my
luggable, which is, admittedly, a bit of a beast.</p>
<p>"Wow! That IS old!! And >ungh!<.. quite heavy too. I guess you're quite attached to it?"</p>
<p>I mumble about legacy data, only use it at home, sentimental value and irreplaceable software while
he plugs it in and starts the host machine.</p>
<p>"Okay, let's see what we can see" he says, and presses the power-on switch on my "portable" The
31 hefty nicad batteries that make up almost the entire inside of my "laptop" pour grunt into a tripling
inverter which in turn supplies RICH, CHUNKY VOLTS to alternate pins on the "SCSI" bus,
whilst emitting a dull "uuurk" sound.</p>
<p>"My Laptop!" I cry, reaching for it, just as smoke starts pouring out the back of the display
machine. Mr Smiles dives for the demo machine weeping, while I exit, in "anguish"....</p>
<p>...resetting the circuit breaker in my machine as I go...</p>
<p>..to the next stall...</p>
<p>"Hi there, you look like someone who needs an upgrade!" the salesman chirps</p>
<p>"Well I don't really know. Is any of your stuff capable of talking to my luggable laptop?"</p>
<p>"HELL YES!"</p>
<p>One born every minute.</p>
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